One of the most unsettling experiences people can have is knowing you are emotionally flooded but can’t stop it. You may recognize that your reaction is larger than what’s going on, but you can’t stop the runaway train of anger, sadness, panic or shame.
This is often what psychologists mean by emotional flooding: a state in which feelings become so
intense that they temporarily exceed your capacity to understand and modulate them. When that happens, the mind shifts from reflection to survival. Your ability to take perspective narrows. Instead of seeing that the other person has a valid point, or remembering that this person is your beloved partner
or child, all you feel is massive distress and a desire to shut down the other person or run away.
A person who is emotionally flooded may find themselves:
- Saying more than they should in that moment, or saying things in a hurtful way
- Not being able to say anything at all (freezing)
- Being inflexible in their thinking, believing that they are “right”
- Acting out physically by yelling, throwing or breaking things, slamming doors or stomping off
In a moment of emotional flooding, we may reach for unhealthy coping mechanisms to feel better, such as:
- Addictive substances- alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription medication like Xanax, Valium or
opiates (hydrocodone, etc.) - Compulsive or binge eating
- Overworking
- Excessive scrolling
- Numbing out with TV, video games or other distractions
- Compulsive sexual activity (porn, masturbation, hook ups)
- Intellectualizing or ruminating, looping thoughts
- Denial (“there isn’t a problem here, everything is actually OK”)
- Projection (“it’s not me, it’s you”)
- Emotional withdrawal, stonewalling, giving someone “the silent treatment”
Sometimes emotional flooding shows up in the body instead of in behaviors. Because the body often registers what the mind cannot deal with, chronic emotional overload can contribute to:
- Headaches
- Heart palpitations
- Chronic muscle tension
- Digestive problems
- Sleep disruption
- Elevated blood pressure
- Suppression of the immune system
- Rashes like eczema or hives
- Other stress-related conditions
Why Flooding Happens
The brain is amazing, but at times, short sighted. Evolution prioritizes quick thinking so that, under threat, we can fight/flee or freeze in an effort to survive. Unfortunately, in evolving brain circuits that can react within milliseconds, the brain sacrifices more complex, nuanced thought. The front part of our brain (the frontal lobe) can remember that the kid who is aggravating you in the moment is still the same kid that you love, or that the partner who is triggering your childhood shame is the same person who always has your back. But that part of your brain is slow, and goes dark when you have intense
feelings. Powerful surges of unpleasant emotions, like rage, shame, anxiety or even grief, override the frontal cortex and prioritize the limbic system. The limbic system is lower in the brain and, frankly, not as smart. Its main purpose is to evaluate threats and react at lightning speed. Its motto is “act first, ask questions later.”
That leaves the frontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for reflection, perspective, and
regulation—completely out of the picture. That is why someone can be thinking “I know I’m overreacting” and still feel unable to stop. Flooding is not simply a strong emotion. It is emotion arriving faster than the mind can understand it.
When this happens, the threat feels immediate and the ability to understand nuance and not think in black-and-white terms shuts down.
Unfortunately our childhoods can “prime” us to overreact to certain situations because of old wounds.
When this happens:
- A delayed reply can feel like abandonment
- An innocuous remark can feel mocking, dismissing or judgmental
- A neutral expression can feel rejecting
- A disagreement can feel much larger than the present moment
Interestingly, psychologists have known about this problem for a long time. Freud wrote about moments when “stimulation” (i.e. Big Feelings) exceeds what the mind can manage with complex thought. Attachment theorists in the 1950’s brought the idea that being supported by a close and trusted caregiving relationship in childhood allows us to learn to tolerate strong feelings and not get emotionally flooded (see my earlier blog on How To Expand Your Emotional Capacity).
Why Flooding and Dissociation Are Different States
Although they often alternate, flooding and dissociation are actually not the same. Flooding is basically too much feeling. Your mind feels bombarded by emotions, your body feels tense and ready to strike or run, your speech often gets louder, more emphatic and more hyperbolic (think “you always”, “you never”, etc.).
Dissociation is actually emotional numbing, a feeling of being disconnected from your body. Often your speech becomes quieter or you may not be able to speak at all. You may struggle to find words or stumble with your language. There can be a sense of being distant from what is happening. You may also feel physically frozen or feel like you are about to collapse.
In short, flooding is an overfull system. Dissociation is a shut-down system. And some people move between both very quickly, especially under relational stress.
How Therapy Helps
One of the most important aspects of therapy is that overwhelming emotion no longer has to be faced alone. Research consistently suggests that what makes intense feeling most difficult is often not simply its size, but the experience of being alone in it. Interestingly, this tracks with what we know about trauma. Two people can experience the same trauma, let’s say being in a severe car accident, but only one person develops PTSD. We can predict which person that is based on how much emotional support they received after the accident. If a person has enough people surrounding them who are providing a sense of being cared for and supported, there is a much lower chance that they will develop PTSD. So we know that the “trauma” does not tell the whole story. It’s actually more about what happens afterwards that predicts future problems. Therapy helps go back to those difficult memories and allows the client to feel supported by an attuned, sensitive and trustworthy therapist.
Therapists can specifically provide:
- Emotional support and co-regulation
- Teaching”grounding and orienting” skills (specific exercises that calm the nervous system quickly)
- Strengthening mindfulness both through teaching the skill and prompting clients to notice their bodies in the moment during sessions
- Helping feelings become nameable, for example using a “feelings wheel” or increasing a client’s vocabulary for describing their emotional experiences
- Practicing the ability to reflect during distressing feelings in session
Neuroscientists, using brain scans (fMRI’s), have also actually discovered that psychotherapy actually strengthens the neural pathways that allow thought to return more quickly when emotion intensifies.
This change is permanent, helping people not only feel better but “do better”.
In practical terms, therapy can help the experience where at first the feeling is overwhelming → then it becomes nameable → then it becomes thinkable → then choice returns.
Great, so psychotherapy can help. But are there other things that also help with emotional flooding?
Yes!
- Medication (antidepressants, beta blockers, anticonvulsants and mood stabilizers- none of which are addictive)
- Proper sleep quantity and quality
- Exercise
- Good nutrition
- Reducing stimulants like caffeine
- Reducing chronic overstimulation (think less doom scrolling or news binging)
Final Thoughts
Emotional flooding does not mean you are weak, dramatic, or incapable. It is a quality that can actually be changed, and we have specific neuroscientific data to show how that happens. These changes are permanent. You don’t have to live with being controlled by powerful feelings that hijack you in the moment.
Flooding just means your nervous system has exceeded what it can organize in that moment. Be gentle with yourself and get help to learn how to better manage and understand those reactions.
The goal is not to eliminate strong feelings, the goal is to develop enough internal support that strong feelings no longer take over your whole system.
If this blog has helped you please re-post the link on social media or forward to anyone you think could benefit. Thanks as always for supporting my practice in disseminating solid scientific information about mental health!
Best wishes,
Dr. Jordan
