What is emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is a feeling of closeness between two or more people based on vulnerability and trust. When emotional intimacy is high there is a feeling of deep knowing of each other and also a sense of safety and deep connection. Emotional intimacy is built over time and can increase or decrease depending on the actions of the parties involved.
Why is emotional intimacy important?
Emotional intimacy helps us feel bonded to other people in a way that lets us lean on them in hard times. It also helps us feel valued and acknowledged in a deep way, which can improve our self-esteem and self-confidence. This type of connection also signifies that a relationship is more than superficial, so it is essential to building bonds that last over time. When we have deep emotional intimacy with someone we will tend to prioritize that person over others, which helps the relationship get the resources it needs to go the distance.
How can you increase emotional intimacy with someone?
The building blocks of emotional intimacy are “laddering disclosures”. This means that I disclose something to you that is vulnerable and you reciprocate. It’s important that in the beginning of the relationship these disclosures are small and manageable. We don’t want to dump a major trauma story on a brand new friend or partner in a frantic effort to build closeness. Start with small things and see if the person reciprocates. If they do, you can move on to larger experiences, feelings or thoughts that feel important to you. It’s very important to pay attention to how the other person responds to your disclosures. If they dismiss or diminish them, or in some way make you feel bad for sharing, then they probably are not a good person to build emotional intimacy with. Also if they don’t maintain your trust and tell others about what you have said without checking with you first, then they probably are not a good candidate for this kind of conversation. But if a person is able to respond empathetically in a way that makes you feel glad that you shared, and if they also offer something vulnerable in proportion to what you have said, then they may have the skills for some really deep connecting.
One more tip— building emotional intimacy should be done in person and face-to-face if at all possible. Our emotional brains did not evolve for email, texting or chatting on platforms, so it has the biggest impact if you can have these conversations in person. And ideally you are situated in such a way that you can both see each other’s faces, as that helps our emotional brain better gauge the response of the person. In our fast-paced society people tend to want to look for shortcuts, but building relationships with deep emotional intimacy takes time and effort. But if the studies on loneliness are any indication, we could all use a lot more of it.
Wishing you health and happiness,
Dr. Jordan
