Krista Jordan
  • Dr. Jordan
    • Approach To Psychotherapy
    • Dr. Jordan Videos
    • Dr. Jordan’s Blog
  • Find Your Solution
    • Identifying Anxiety
    • Identifying Depression
    • Identifying Addiction
      • Sexual Addiction
      • Alcohol and Drug Addiction
    • ADHD
    • Bipolar Disorders
  • Services
    • College Students
  • FAQ’s
    • Covid-19
    • LGBTQ+ Therapy
    • Your Rights and Privacy
    • Research On Psychotherapy
    • Links & Other Resources
  • Team
    • Tina Adkins
    • Mallory Burdette, Psy.D.
    • Emily Carl
    • Ajara Ledford, MA, LPA
    • Erika A. Pereda
    • Garrett Tanner
  • Contact
    • Post-Doctoral Residency ​& Psychotherapist Training
July 27, 2014 by Peel Weep

Co-Dependency?

Co-Dependency?
July 27, 2014 by Peel Weep

A lot of people talk about co-dependency. We all know that it’s not something good but what does it really mean? And is there a good type of dependency? Or is all dependency bad?

The term originally came out of 12-step programs like AA. In that system there is the addict and then there is their partner who is the “co-dependent”. This person is wrapped up in the addiction just as much as the addict. The addiction rules their life with equal fervor. On the surface people’s sympathies often go with the co-dependent rather than the addict. We may find ourselves thinking “oh, that poor person, attached to that addict who is making their life so miserable”.

But the reality is that both people are dysfunctional. The co-dependent person is getting some kind of perk out of being in this situation. Mabye it’s the sympathy of others. Or the excuse as to why they can’t get ahead in life– because they are too busy taking care of the addict. The addict looks like the “hot mess” in the relationship and in contrast the co-dependent looks well put together.

In this type of relationship both people actually have an agenda. The addict wants to maintain their addiction and the co-dependent wants to have an excuse for why their life isn’t the way they want it to be. In fact in these relationships both partners are using the relationship for meeting mostly their own needs. They do not expect the relationship to be fair. In fact, they expect and act as if relationships will NOT be fair! Their needs may be to have a partner hold down the home front while they engage in affairs or addictions. Or the need may be to play the martyr and support an addict while complaining to everyone else about how mistreated they are. This is not interdependency.

Interdependency involves the idea that in a relationship, we are greater than the sum of our parts. That two together can accomplish more than either one alone. Or as the african saying goes, “if you are going to take a short journey, go alone and you will go faster. But if you must go far, take another”. Life is a long journey and taking a partner along with us to be our help-mate can be incredibly fulfilling and successful if we can learn the basic rules of truly mutual relationships. Psychologists and researchers call these truly mutual relationships “secure”, meaning that each partner knows that the other person is going to be there for them no matter what. And that each partner also knows that whatever happens to their partner happens to them too. So in a secure relationship, one would never do anything that would intentionally hurt the other person, or be unfair to them, or take advantage of them, because in the end it would hurt BOTH of them. It is a state of knowing that you are bound together on all levels and acting accordingly.

The method of couples therapy that I practice, called the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy, or PACT, talks a lot about how to develop a secure relationship. Dr. Diane Poole Heller interviewed PACT’s originator, Dr. Stan Tatkin, about the phenomenon of interdependency. You may enjoy watching the interview to learn more about this:

http://youtu.be/eCwjQIG0gFs

I hope you find this video helpful as well as the information provided above. Remember, all relationships can change given proper support and guidance.

Warm wishes,
Dr. Jordan

Previous articleAttachment Style QuizNext article Fighting Fair?

About Dr. Jordan

Dr. Jordan has been in private practice for 20 years in Texas. She is passionate about helping people to overcome hurts and obstacles from their past to find more happiness and health in their current lives.

Recent Posts

Why Do Couples Grow Apart and What Can You Do About It?September 12, 2022
Living With Anxiety- Tips for Helping Calm AnxietySeptember 2, 2022
Adult ADHD- Can you get diagnosed as an adult? Is that even helpful?July 4, 2022

Categories

  • ADHD
  • Anger
  • Anxiety
  • Attachment
  • Brain Science
  • Codependency
  • Depression
  • Family Dynamics
  • General Psychology
  • Goals
  • Grief and Loss
  • Guilt and Shame
  • Inspiration
  • Lifestyle
  • Marriage/Relationships
  • Mindfulness
  • Narcissism
  • PACT
  • People
  • Relationship Issues
  • Self Esteem
  • Sexuality
  • Spirituality
  • Therapy
  • Uncategorized

Archives

  • September 2022
  • July 2022
  • April 2022
  • January 2021
  • October 2020
  • May 2020
  • January 2020
  • December 2019
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • August 2019
  • July 2019
  • June 2019
  • March 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • November 2018
  • August 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • March 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • December 2017
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • November 2015
  • October 2015
  • September 2015
  • August 2015
  • June 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • March 2015
  • February 2015
  • January 2015
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • March 2014
  • February 2014

Recent Posts

Why Do Couples Grow Apart and What Can You Do About It?September 12, 2022
Living With Anxiety- Tips for Helping Calm AnxietySeptember 2, 2022
Adult ADHD- Can you get diagnosed as an adult? Is that even helpful?July 4, 2022

About Dr. Jordan

Dr. Jordan has been in private practice for 20 years in Texas. She is passionate about helping people to overcome hurts and obstacles from their past to find more happiness and health in their current lives.

Contact Dr. Jordan

2222 Western Trails
Suite 103
Austin Texas 78745
512-569-5738
Rife Wordpress Theme. Proudly Built By Apollo13